You made me cry and you don't even care
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
