I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
