Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize