I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay