just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
