keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
