Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Randomize
