Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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