and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
