no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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