So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
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its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
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All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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