Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
