We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
