Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
