I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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