Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
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What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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