I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
