thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
