I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Randomize
