he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
