shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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