apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
