woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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