she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Randomize
