if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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