he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
