I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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