Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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