I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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