So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
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Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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