i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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