If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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