I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
