My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
