Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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