in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
