I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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