Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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