literally had 100 drinks last night.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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