operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
