I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
