I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
