I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish i was in the wii world.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
