No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
