i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
