Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
