my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
