I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
