Sponge bath it is.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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