How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
