do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
