I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
