And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
