Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
