My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
